Courage

“Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.”

I have never had the courage to roar.

My courage has always come in quiet forms of rebellion; crazy coloured hair and road trips across the country on a whim, hitchhiking to new cities on my own and moving to a new country at eighteen with nothing more than a suitcase. I have lived a brave life full of adventures and mistakes, love and heartbreak. Being true to the world can sometimes take more courage than you’d ever imagine, and although I did so unnoticed, that was brave enough for me.

I have thrived on adventure and lived on impulse. I went through life searching for something, going from place to place with no real idea in my head about what would make a place feel like home. I kept looking, kept traveling, never knowing what I was looking for.

Sometimes what you’re looking for finds you, even if it’s the last thing you expect.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother, just like I knew I’d like to travel to Paris or Belize; just a girl with a wild imagination dreaming of faraway places and a home she never had. The day I found out I was pregnant felt like the first day of sunshine after years of rain. She was real, and she had chosen me. I dreamt about seeing her for the first time, waking up next to her in bed, her first birthday party, painting her toenails, climbing trees with her and building pillow forts. She quickly became my entire life before she even had a name.

Like every mother, I began to have daunting fears. What if I wasn’t enough for this beautiful soul? What if I didn’t know how to care for her? What if I wasn’t able to give her the childhood she deserved, the one I never had? My fears weren’t just my own, but resounded within others around me. “You’re not strong enough. You’re too broken. You’ll never be able to survive.” They pushed papers into my hands and told me that there were other people who would give my daughter a better life. Other people who could love her more. Every day my heart broke more and more, and I spent my days terrified that I would not survive this pretty blue world.

She grew bigger every day, and I spent every one of those days in my own head, constantly questioning myself if I could be what she needed me to be. If I could live up to being someone’s mother. I told myself I could never imagine the strength and devotion it took, and at the same time I told myself I had always known, and that’s why I wanted it so bad. I fought with myself internally for those nine long months, never able to tell myself that I would be able to be the mother she deserved.. until a very early, snowy, Wednesday morning at 1:45 AM. The minute she was placed into my arms for the first time. Every fear melted away and I knew then that was where I was meant to be.

 

Immediately in the beauty of her life I began to find my courage. Her tiny fingers holding onto mine for dear life, her frail cries begging me to never let go. Every moment in my life, every terrible struggle and every moment of bliss no matter how small, had led me to that one particular minute, holding her for the first time. I spent years traveling and searching for a place that felt like home and the whole time, home was always with me. Just waiting to meet me.

Courage is in all of us. It's found in the smallest of flowers, the strong lion and the fast gazelle, the mother bird that protects her nest with her life. And courage is found in the cracks of it all, fixing what is broken and giving us the strength to carry on. 

Truthfully, some days I still feel like I am drowning. Some days I know nothing about myself other than I am a mother, and some days I am hard pressed to call myself that. But I don’t give up. I will never stop trying, because in those tiny hands and soft breaths I have found my reason to live, my reason to face any and every hardship that stands in our way. I exist as a body whose soul lives on the outside, and in my overwhelming love for her I have found an endless amount of courage.  

With a courage I’ve never known before, I’ve finally learned to roar.